im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
