Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
