Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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