There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
