dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
