He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My vagina just clenched in fear
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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