my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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