I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
