god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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