No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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