I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
