my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
