I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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