she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
