Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
