Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
