we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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