fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
