3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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