I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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