Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
