Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
