u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
