At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The maid of honor just puked.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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