oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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