i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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