Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
