i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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