Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
