He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We had sex on a dog bed..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
