chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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