Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
