Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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