Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
