I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
