You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
