life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
