I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
