you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
