overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
