i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
