I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
