I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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