Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
