what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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