You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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