I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
