First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
