having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
