I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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