I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
