Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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