i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
