Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did I show you my penis last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
