last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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